In this life, one thing counts. In the bank, large amounts.

I’m kidding. That’s a line from Oliver The musical, and Fagin was deluded. Slightly. Brokeness is ok. As long as you’re doing something to get out of it…and besides, brokenness is different things to different people. But that is a whole other article. Unfortunately, with women in this day and age, you may have to have large amounts in order to make them go anywhere with you.

It is a sad, but true fact. But one day, young man, when you find a real woman…she will not mind where you take her, as long as they you are together. And you will make millions together and buy her diamonds to match the ones in her eyes. But I digress. Find below the cheapest place to have a date in Nairobi (or for under 500. Or 3.) , until you can afford what she wants…unless this is what she wants. K?

1. Java! I know you won’t believe me. But it’s true. You just have to know what to buy. For a coffee date (the single, not the double), you will spend under 500. Even if it’s a juice date. Even if it’s a garlic bread with cheese date (Their garlic bread is off the CHAIN.)

2. Sonford. There is nowhere else to get great cheap fries. I say Sonford and I also mean all its affiliates like Imbiss, Nevada, Tennessee (Tennessee is my personal favourite). And Kenchic fries simply cannot compare. They are on a different level. It’s like comparing Tupac and Biggie. HA! No I’m kidding. It’s like comparing Boyz II Men and One Direction. (Yeah, who, right? Ugh.)

3. At Rayan Restaurant, you can have a delicious delicately flavoured chicken teriyaki platter for 500 bob. You will have to split it, it is that much food. And it’s that good. And it’s just that. Trust me. I’m getting hungry typing about it myself. The minus side is that it will take them an hour to make because it’s on the specials menu. Because it’s special.

4. She’ll/he’ll think you’re real slick and romantic if you buy the things you want to make and cook for her in the house. Tomatoes, three for 20 bob. Rice, Basmati, 165 (at my local supa anyway). Chicken, 200. Actually, even better, chicken burgers, 225 bob, and loaf, 45 bob. Yes!...or she’ll think you are a cheapskate. Which means she is not the one. HA!

5. So you know when you’re at your mom’s house and she gives you chapos to take home? Yeah, now take two of those chapos and make her tea. Elec cost: minimal. Tea bags: 100 bob (do Kericho Gold, so she knows you have aspirations towards quality. :D) And the only thing you used was jav fare back from your mom’s.

Granted, there are other places, but I guess these are my top 5 under 5. HA! I should have a tv show. Other places that almost made the list include sharing chicken wings at the Psys for town(350ish), Wacky Wednesday at Steers (who, after getting lots of folk to finally come down, reduced their burger quality, but their fries are still the bomb. In fact, alternatively you could go there as well), Uchumi sandwiches (the cheap ones, because power sandwiches are now just lies), movies at Fox Capital and Fox Sarit on Tuesdays (200), and, of course, one of my personal favourites, just sit and wait for the French Film Festival to come round every year and go. It’s 30 bob a pop. Last time they showed The Artist and I was tres excited (see what I did there?)

Abi