I have been on buses all my life. I was javving (and getting ridiculously lost) at the age of 12. I now consider myself a matatu/public transport pro, generally, as all Kenyans do. In Class 7, all the cool kids used to sit at the back, and, you know, feel cool. I was one of the weird ones. In class 8, our bus was called Helicopter, because it had blades at the top. I think.

And I would sit at the front and fall asleep during the 2 hour trip home (watoto wanateswa. Save the children.) In Form 1 to 4, we composed songs about how much we loved our school buses - actual choir practice songs - because they took us for funkies. Uni brought a new entrant into the race, uni travel buses, overpriced and…you know. Such things. But to their credit they never got into accidents.

None that I was on, anyway.

Fast forward to now, when I am expanding my travel resume to, you know, outside school.  Buses in Kenya really suck. They cannot and should not be done. Matatus are in an atrocious state. Anyway, this post is about the best and worst ways to travel.

1. First of all, if you can, do AIR. It’s faster, not cheaper, but it is safer – studies by people everywhere who have big important names will tell you that it is more likely that you will die on a (Kenyan) matatu than in a plane. A plane ticket to Lamu is about KES 14,000. So I took the

2. Bus. Apparently shuttles to Coast are dodgy (which is strange and unusual to me, as when going to Kisumu I only use shuttles. 800 a pop, and they get there in like 5 hours. Easy Coach is a road trip hater’s worst nightmare on big, slow ungainly wheels). The bus we chose was Mash (I really do not know the difference between Mash and Mash Poa. Enlightenment, anyone?), which was KES 1,300 a pop. But dude; Mash have this AWESOME new setup where only Mash buses stop at Mtito Andei. Ain’t nobody dope as them, they just So Fresh So Clean! For the first time EVER on a road trip, I went to pee. BIG UP YOURSELF, MASH!

3. When we got to Mombasa (because there are no direct buses to Lamu), we got on buses called Tawakal. These buses are death chariots, and someone should really, really do something about their nonsense. Their arrogance stems from the fact that there is really no competition. Ah, Kenya. For a world heritage sight. Bravo. They are one way tickets to backache heaven (they throw it in as an extra) and they suck. Small seats. Dirty. Driving too fast. Makes you want to buy a plane ticket. KES 800 each. Then you get to not Lamu and have to pay 100-150 for a speedboat to get you to actual Lamu. Let me just warn you now, this journey DOES NOT STOP. It takes as long to get to Lamu as it does to get to America; without the benefit of in flight entertainment.

4. Modern Coast was the choice on the way back. Not so modern, I found out. They do not seem to like announcing that we are supposed to be stopping and switching buses, etc, which can get annoying when you are about to get on a Kampala bus. The first bus was old, the second bus was slightly less frayed, and they didn’t have a cool place to stop at. Nothing beats clean toilets. *shrugs*

5. This last plan involves a rich man/relative, and/or selling your soul/body, so I will just assume you do not want to hear it and end this post.

Abi