Man, I am so frustrated at the distinct lack of across –the-board excellent internet service providers in this country. If I had a million, I would gladly start my own damn Zuku. Why is it that Zuku only reaches specific parts? Ati expansion is taking long. I call it RACISM! :D But on the real, though, Kenya has a long way to go with service provision, analyzing market needs, meeting the demand…Access Kenya is too expensive. Zuku has too many people. They are increasing the prices and can’t even handle what they have. Ati the underwater cable cut. REALLY? And your backup plan was what, exactly? Oh, nothing? And why does that not surprise me? And…what was that? You are not giving us extra MBs or free days of service or SOMETHING to compensate the 3 DAYS we suffered without Twitter – erm, WORKING??? Mph. I am a dissatisfied customer. Of everything.

So I need to find cheap ways to get internet, because this is just really not going to cut it. I mean, I have done the modems, I have done the wireless, and I have done the cybers. Something’s gotta give. Nothing is working. I’VE
BEEN TOO STRONG FOR TOO LONG, AND I CAN’T BE WITHOUT THE NET!

1. What’s handy is cafés. What is not so awesome is that you can’t ati stay there all night tweeting – erm, working. You ARE going to have to leave at some point. Then sometimes the internet will be down, and then you’re screwed for the whole day, or at the very least have to take two more javs in an already too jav-packed world (I need a car), to spend 150 bob at a café for a cup of tea which you will finish and/or tindo (take AGES to finish. Like, an average of a sip per half hour) while ignoring the people who are giving you the evil eye for not giving up your booth. *breathe* But you gotta do what you gotta do, right? And it’s 150 bob. :D

2. Modem. In my experience, modems suck. I tried the Safaricom, you use it for 2 minutes – ON A BUNDLE - and then that annoying text comes in. It’s like they have decided you’re YouTubing and torrenting without telling you (which I have checked – I am not. I have even switched off the sijui security updates so I know nothing is being used without a specific request to me, Empress of the Laptoplands. *cough*). The money. Just. Goes. I use a hundred bob a day to buy credit for my Saf modem, to check email. PEKEE. Airtel isn’t much better. It’s better, but it’s slower (3.75G? Yeah, and I’m Kate Middleton. Get it? Because she may be the Queen of England someday, etc…hehe) Orange unlimited seems to be a plan, but a g a week is rich for my blood. For a modem. It seems easier when it’s…ok Orange seems to be a plan. I wonder why Safaricom stopped that unlimited nini? (Because they’re THIEVES. *insert cry of frustration*)

3. Copping the neighbor's.. Now, if your neighbor has internet with an UNSECURED PASSWORD, life is a glorious, glorious bed of roses with no thorns whatsoever to be wallowed in unceasingly. Your lucky stars are to be thanks and sacrificed kittens to (just kidding. Unless, I mean, they ask.) You are favoured above all men and your spirit will be forever light, forever young. Forever (internet-dues) FREE.

4. Ok, so I am probably going to get Zuku, but for this reason alone – it is the cheapest (refer to bio). Everything else costs a lot or is only in specific areas (broken record). But what I am going to do as well is an illegal profiting off my expensive (3gs a month for the good stuff. You got the drugs? I got the drugs) internet which I will make money from and will not type about but you will know if you are Kenyan. (Everything listed above is untrue. Don’t arrest me. Or is it?...no, for real, it is. Mhm.)

5. Go to the cyber. They have 50 cent a minute ones now, you know. At least you know it is going to be slow and fibre optic is a lie. Use your phone. Or your friends. Be THAT ANNOYING FRIEND, ha. Use the bundles (on Airtel you can buy a bundle for 5 bob. For like an email. Which you’ve spent a hundred bob on the modem for, so…). Get an expensive one if you want to do things like reading PDFs so that you don’t even need a modem, you know, those phones that can attach documents, nininini? THAT’s what’s up.

That being said, this is purely my personal opinion. I am sure some of these methods work perfectly well for other people. Because internet in Kenya is RACIST. IT’S BECAUSE I’M BLACK.

Abi