Man, y’all, the club is old. I was at the club the other day, and I was like dude. Please tell me this I not the highlight of your weekend. Please tell me you haven’t been here every day since Thursday. And if you are just sitting there and watching people dance like a creepy predator man, please tell me what you are doing at the club that you can’t be doing at home on your favourite porn site…anyway. I think I am getting to the point where I am over the club. Back when I was skiving the digz in a small dress by climbing out of the window (Prison Break 5), I never thought this day would come…and yet, here I stand, having to be convinced (usually by offers of free drinks and naked bodies…I mean…free drinks) to go anywhere that is not Super Soul or New Jack (which does not help my wallet, really – the last time I was at Super Soul, I ripped my pants from dancing too hard. To Michael Jackson. Of COURSE. R. I. P., Michael. And so, I have to buy new staple pants. *sigh* The woes of they who vigorously boogie). Also, why are drinks so expensive? Sielewangi. Will they drive me home? Even the virgin ones. (Haaaaaa). So, find listed what to do INSTEAD of the club – at an obviously cheaper price.

1. Have Game Night at the digz. If you still live with your folks, make it an early one. If you don’t, make it a late one, and if it’s ‘I Never’ you crave…hey, everything’s cheaper when it’s five people paying. Tell everyone to bring a game (Ludo, Snakes and Ladders, Chess – but MONOPOLY IS THE BEST GAME OF ALL TIME). If no one has anything, you can play games that don’t need boards etc. (Charades, 21 Questions, Cards, By Sho I Love You Baby)
2. It is essential for all people to have a friend who owns a karaoke machine. Dude. Awesomeness itself. Again with the inviting friends over thing. You may want to invite the neighbours over as well, seeing as you are will definitely be keeping them up anyway.
3. Save up all the money you were going to use at the club anyway and go on a trip! (Then, you can go to the club in an exotic locale and it won’t seem as epic a waste of time) Have you ever been to Maralal? (Don’t go unless you like camel derbies. That is a story for another day) Zanzibar? Kitengela? Nairobi National Park? We live in one of the world’s premier travel destinations, for Pete’s sake. What costs everyone saving for a year will cost…well, not going to the club.
4. On a warm, balmy Sunday, get your friends to changia for food (hata kama ni fries na sode…from Sonford), and then get that one friend (we all have one) who likes cooking (SO weird) to do a barbeque/brunch/something foody. Food trumps the club any day, yo. (ok...most days) Then have that one friend over who’s good at mixing drinks, the other who is great at conversation, the one who always brings cute guys…who needs the rave when you can have a grand old cheap time without having to hit on someone like you’re in the army? (YES SIR DRILL SERGEANT SIR!!)
5. And of course, one of my personal favourites. Stay in the digz. By yourself. Imagine that! You can do it. You are a lot of fun to hang out with, ha. You can watch that series you’ve been meaning to forever (I recommend Breaking Bad, or Game of Thrones, or 2 Broke Girls, because then you are bound to stay up all night. Like the party animal you are), or that book (I’m on Wheel of Time Book 3 myself) or take yourself for a movie (seen Nairobi Half Life yet?)…the possibilities are endless. Come on, you fearless intrepid explorer. The couch awaits.